The evil within is stronger than I can imagine. I knew my thoughts could be wicked, but the true vileness was kept hidden from me by the pornography. It was not until I was separated from the specific act that I saw as the evil that the true wickedness could become known. I desire my thoughts to be pure and I feel the twinge of regret followed by a dull ache to my core when I do not do as I desire, but something within keeps committing and driving me to act in ways that are not pleasing to the Lord. I do not understand how most of the time I can look upon women with love and purity in my thoughts, but other times I do not recognize the beast inside who takes what is beautiful and distorts; making its salacity known.
Romans 7:18-20
I know that in me, that is, in my fallen human nature, there is nothing good. I can will myself to do something good, but that does not help me carry it out. I can determine that I am going to do good, but I don’t do it; instead, I end up living out the evil that I decided not to do. If I end up doing the exact thing I pledged not to do, I am no longer doing it because sin has taken up residence in me.
