I am at almost 19 days without pornography, and in some ways I feel great, but on the other side I feel discouraged. I am very alone and have been that way for several years so I have given up hope of finding a wife, which makes pornography attractive as a quick fix to normal sexual desires that can't ever be met. I must remember that it is still poison and I am destroying myself little by little if I go back to it. I still know the pain it has caused me so I do not want to return to that place.
I must look forward to the possibility that I will eventually find someone, and if I do not take a stand now to become the man I need to be I may lose her, or at the very least, hurt her because I am not where I need to be. If I ended up alone because I couldn't endure a little suffering now, I don't know if I could take it. I fear I have already ruined my life as it is and am suffering the consequences. There are so many years I have lost to this addiction that could have been much different and I do not want to think how much better they could have been, but I must face the possibility and learn from it while I still have a chance of saving the future for something wonderful.
Lamentations 3:25
The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
one week
I have made it one week without pornography. That doesn't seem like much, but looking back, it is probably the longest I have been without it in a few years. It's a sad, but true reality for me to have been so dependent on this "drug" for so long that one week is a great achievement.
Turning to pornography has been my source of solace for more years than I want to count. Whenever I am stressed I turn to it, and I was under a great deal of stress this last week, so the coming weeks should seem easy to get through by comparison. I must also remember that victory is made from small steps that lead success and to not give up when I stumble again in the future. Too many times have I went on binges that never seem to end after taking several steps towards success.
Psalm 37:23-24
If you are right with God, He strengthens you for the journey; the Eternal will be pleased with your life.
And even though you trip up, you will not fall on your face because He holds you by the hand.
Turning to pornography has been my source of solace for more years than I want to count. Whenever I am stressed I turn to it, and I was under a great deal of stress this last week, so the coming weeks should seem easy to get through by comparison. I must also remember that victory is made from small steps that lead success and to not give up when I stumble again in the future. Too many times have I went on binges that never seem to end after taking several steps towards success.
Psalm 37:23-24
If you are right with God, He strengthens you for the journey; the Eternal will be pleased with your life.
And even though you trip up, you will not fall on your face because He holds you by the hand.
like a sickness
This sickness rages on inside without a sign of subsiding. I take great strides towards freedom and my hate for this evil grows stronger day by day, yet all the stronger evil becomes so I will be kept in its grasp. The turmoil is stronger than ever within me, but despite the pain it causes, it is giving me hope. I have not faced real battle against pornography in a long time and truly faced the damage it has caused to me.
I've known about how the brain can be rewired https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-changes-the-brain, but have never felt it so strongly. It is as if my brain is turning into sludge and I can no longer think quickly and clearly, and my attention span is near zero. It is only with great effort do I succeed in focusing on what I used to enjoy, or getting anything done I need to.
Calling pornography a sickness like I mentioned earlier has more truth to it than I would like to believe. I truly do feel sick and helpless against it overcoming me.
Like a sickness, it causes damage that must be repaired.
Like a sickness, there is no simple fix.
Like a sickness, it takes time to heal.
Like a sickness, I may be overwhelmed.
Like a sickness, I may not be able to heal myself.
Psalm 119:37
Keep my eyes from gazing upon worthless things,
and give me true life according to Your plans.
I've known about how the brain can be rewired https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-changes-the-brain, but have never felt it so strongly. It is as if my brain is turning into sludge and I can no longer think quickly and clearly, and my attention span is near zero. It is only with great effort do I succeed in focusing on what I used to enjoy, or getting anything done I need to.
Calling pornography a sickness like I mentioned earlier has more truth to it than I would like to believe. I truly do feel sick and helpless against it overcoming me.
Like a sickness, it causes damage that must be repaired.
Like a sickness, there is no simple fix.
Like a sickness, it takes time to heal.
Like a sickness, I may be overwhelmed.
Like a sickness, I may not be able to heal myself.
Psalm 119:37
Keep my eyes from gazing upon worthless things,
and give me true life according to Your plans.
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