loneliness

I enjoyed a break from my pornography addiction while on vacation with my family for Christmas. It was nice to get away from it for a while, I didn't even have much desire for it while away which is unusual for me, but as soon as I was back, the issue resumed with a ferocity.

I expected this, but what I didn't expect was the sudden bout of loneliness I am experiencing. It is normal for me to be alone and I have become used to it, but I am feeling an emptiness today that aches to the center of my being. I know the loneliness feeds my addiction and pulls me in deeper, but I don't usually feel the loneliness to this extent, although I know it is still there. I have had a difficult time making friends and forming relationships for as long as I can remember, but it is worse now than it has ever been in my life so I just push the feelings deeper and hope for them to eventually change. I really don't know what to do, and any ideas I have I resist because I am afraid to trust anyone again after how many times I have been rejected. I will drink a few shots to dull the pain for the night, and continue on in the morning knowing this will pass. This is not a solution, and not a good time to indulge in alcohol, but for now, I just want a release. I should go read my Bible again instead since I did experience some peace earlier today while I was reading, and I know that real joy and peace can only be found in God, but somehow, I keep rebelling and getting lost in my own desires.