keep fighting for joy

I find a woeful irony in the fact that my very pursuit of pleasure is in fact what has taken all my pleasure from me. Every day that I look at pornography to fulfill my sensual desires, I find less pleasure. I am not talking about less pleasure in the act, which is also true, but I am referring to less pleasure in all aspects of life. I find it frustratingly difficult to even sit down and enjoy a good book since I am so out of touch with reality.

The constant feeding of my brain with an overdose of sensuality has robbed me of the ability to even enjoy the simple things in life. I remember the days when I could easily get lost for hours in a good story, but now I find it exceedingly difficult to enjoy anything for more than a few minutes at a time before I lose focus.  I used to tell myself that it isn't the pornography, it's just stress, work, tiredness, or any other combination I could think of; during the few times I have been free however, joy came back into my life. I didn't feel like a cloud of emotionless gloom anymore and every part of my life improved; relationships with people improved, my relationship with God was closer than ever, and I never wanted to go back to where I am now. 

Even with all this knowledge and realization that I am not where I want to be I have been finding it harder and harder to get up every time I fall. Despite the difficulty I still keep getting up and trying again so there is still hope, there is always hope that I can put my current state in the past and never look back . . . so long as I keep getting up and I keep fighting.