I enjoyed a break from my pornography addiction while on vacation with my family for Christmas. It was nice to get away from it for a while, I didn't even have much desire for it while away which is unusual for me, but as soon as I was back, the issue resumed with a ferocity.
I expected this, but what I didn't expect was the sudden bout of loneliness I am experiencing. It is normal for me to be alone and I have become used to it, but I am feeling an emptiness today that aches to the center of my being. I know the loneliness feeds my addiction and pulls me in deeper, but I don't usually feel the loneliness to this extent, although I know it is still there. I have had a difficult time making friends and forming relationships for as long as I can remember, but it is worse now than it has ever been in my life so I just push the feelings deeper and hope for them to eventually change. I really don't know what to do, and any ideas I have I resist because I am afraid to trust anyone again after how many times I have been rejected. I will drink a few shots to dull the pain for the night, and continue on in the morning knowing this will pass. This is not a solution, and not a good time to indulge in alcohol, but for now, I just want a release. I should go read my Bible again instead since I did experience some peace earlier today while I was reading, and I know that real joy and peace can only be found in God, but somehow, I keep rebelling and getting lost in my own desires.
stuck in a pit
I have been thinking about my life and how lost seems to describe most areas of my life. I do not know if I will ever find my way out from the growing mountain of defeat and uncertainty. My mind only wants to escape by delving into pornography and succumbing to her alluring call that promises relief from my troubles.
I know satisfaction will not be found in her cold and empty embrace that will only leave me wanting more where none can be found. Still, a brief sense of fleeting satisfaction may for a time take away the pain. This lie is what drives all addicts to continue to use and abuse their drug of choice, even to the point where it starts to destroy what little they have left. A brief high is of no more use to a man stuck in a pit, as standing on a fallen leaf. He may feel that something is at least being accomplished, but in the end, he is still stuck in a pit. I need to stop caring that digging my way out will be a painful arduous process. If I keep looking for a shortcut, or a way to enjoy my time in the pit I will never get out and there will really be nothing better than where I am now.
I know satisfaction will not be found in her cold and empty embrace that will only leave me wanting more where none can be found. Still, a brief sense of fleeting satisfaction may for a time take away the pain. This lie is what drives all addicts to continue to use and abuse their drug of choice, even to the point where it starts to destroy what little they have left. A brief high is of no more use to a man stuck in a pit, as standing on a fallen leaf. He may feel that something is at least being accomplished, but in the end, he is still stuck in a pit. I need to stop caring that digging my way out will be a painful arduous process. If I keep looking for a shortcut, or a way to enjoy my time in the pit I will never get out and there will really be nothing better than where I am now.
keep fighting for joy
I find a woeful irony in the fact that my very pursuit of pleasure is in fact what has taken all my pleasure from me. Every day that I look at pornography to fulfill my sensual desires, I find less pleasure. I am not talking about less pleasure in the act, which is also true, but I am referring to less pleasure in all aspects of life. I find it frustratingly difficult to even sit down and enjoy a good book since I am so out of touch with reality.
The constant feeding of my brain with an overdose of sensuality has robbed me of the ability to even enjoy the simple things in life. I remember the days when I could easily get lost for hours in a good story, but now I find it exceedingly difficult to enjoy anything for more than a few minutes at a time before I lose focus. I used to tell myself that it isn't the pornography, it's just stress, work, tiredness, or any other combination I could think of; during the few times I have been free however, joy came back into my life. I didn't feel like a cloud of emotionless gloom anymore and every part of my life improved; relationships with people improved, my relationship with God was closer than ever, and I never wanted to go back to where I am now.
Even with all this knowledge and realization that I am not where I want to be I have been finding it harder and harder to get up every time I fall. Despite the difficulty I still keep getting up and trying again so there is still hope, there is always hope that I can put my current state in the past and never look back . . . so long as I keep getting up and I keep fighting.
The constant feeding of my brain with an overdose of sensuality has robbed me of the ability to even enjoy the simple things in life. I remember the days when I could easily get lost for hours in a good story, but now I find it exceedingly difficult to enjoy anything for more than a few minutes at a time before I lose focus. I used to tell myself that it isn't the pornography, it's just stress, work, tiredness, or any other combination I could think of; during the few times I have been free however, joy came back into my life. I didn't feel like a cloud of emotionless gloom anymore and every part of my life improved; relationships with people improved, my relationship with God was closer than ever, and I never wanted to go back to where I am now.
Even with all this knowledge and realization that I am not where I want to be I have been finding it harder and harder to get up every time I fall. Despite the difficulty I still keep getting up and trying again so there is still hope, there is always hope that I can put my current state in the past and never look back . . . so long as I keep getting up and I keep fighting.
the journey
What is this all about?
I am starting this site to help me in my struggle against pornography and to document my journey.
I also hope that I may be able to help others along the way that are going through the same struggle.
I am starting this site to help me in my struggle against pornography and to document my journey.
I also hope that I may be able to help others along the way that are going through the same struggle.
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