ensnared

How does one escape the darkness of mind and wickedness of thought that plagues them day and night? When barriers have all been destroyed and what little strength remains dwindles away? Words escape and only lead to more questions and hopeless despair. Alone in grief they struggle with nobody to turn to, nobody to hear the pain cry out from deep within! All they long for is the darkness to be removed and for their thoughts to be purified! Where can they turn when even the Lord seems silent and indifferent!

My soul cries out, Lord! I am raw and unclean! My ways have fallen so far that I can no longer see the man you created me to be nor hear the direction I must go! I do not want to live like this any longer and am once again falling before you and pleading for healing from the darkness and freedom from the sin that has entangled me in its snare! I need you, Savior! I cannot save myself! My only hope is in you and only you know the way!

just a passenger

Where do my wicked thoughts come from? They seem so alien and impure that I hope they are not from somewhere inside me, but I know they have to come from somewhere. How can this wickedness be there when I myself do not desire it? If my true self can feel so much pain and remorse from these thoughts, why did I have them in the first place? Thoughts of lust come in, take over, and leave; leaving behind feelings of being used and taken advantage of.  Sometimes when I am on my way to consume pornography it is as if I am not in control of my own body. My true self can be screaming that it doesn't want to take another step, but without the slightest hindrance to my movements I am carried along as a passenger.

I can't say it any better than Paul did in Romans 7:15-20:  "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me."

What I really struggle with is what to do next. I know this is not where I am meant to stay. Paul later says in 8:12-13:  "So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live." 

I'm still at a loss on finding true freedom and putting to death the deeds of the body by the Spirit. After all these years of fighting what seems so simple, I still find it to be impossible. I am reminded of a quote in Confessions by Saint Augustine that said:  "Why then are you perversely following the leading of your flesh? If you turn away from it, it has to follow you." 

inescapable

I am conflicted inside and feel like I am being torn apart from within. The desire for lust is warring with the enmity for that same lust and is leaving me feeling uneasy and hopeless. All I want is to be free, but I keep being pulled back to that which is evil. I cannot find contentment in surrendering to my lustful desires, and I cannot find freedom from those desires. This evil has become so ingrained in every thought that it is inescapable. At times I want to return to the point I was closest to completely surrendering to my wickedness, but I know that will never satisfy and I cannot be content without God. This state of being stuck in the middle of two diametrically opposed desires cannot last, yet I do not know how to get out. All I long for after years of being here is an ending, or a change, yet I've lost hope. Nothing ever changes, nothing ever ends, and I do not know where to go from here. 

light in the darkness

Haven't been on here in a long time and am not really sure how I am doing anymore and haven't been keeping track. Thinking back, I think it has been about five days since I looked at pornography, but I know my thoughts have been anything but pure and I continually distance myself from God. I'm so disturbed and confused about the depravity of my lustful thoughts. One minute I can be longing for purity and taking joy in the progress I have made and how much I am starting to desire pure thoughts, but the next minute I lose all control and become what I hate and take pleasure in the lust. I take comfort that as soon as it is over, and sometimes before, I regain a sense of my desire for that which is pure and true, but I wish I did not have to retreat to the darkness to once again find the light. 

evil within

The evil within is stronger than I can imagine. I knew my thoughts could be wicked, but the true vileness was kept hidden from me by the pornography. It was not until I was separated from the specific act that I saw as the evil that the true wickedness could become known. I desire my thoughts to be pure and I feel the twinge of regret followed by a dull ache to my core when I do not do as I desire, but something within keeps committing and driving me to act in ways that are not pleasing to the Lord. I do not understand how most of the time I can look upon women with love and purity in my thoughts, but other times I do not recognize the beast inside who takes what is beautiful and distorts; making its salacity known.



Romans 7:18-20
I know that in me, that is, in my fallen human nature, there is nothing good. I can will myself to do something good, but that does not help me carry it out. I can determine that I am going to do good, but I don’t do it; instead, I end up living out the evil that I decided not to do. If I end up doing the exact thing I pledged not to do, I am no longer doing it because sin has taken up residence in me.

discouraged

I am at almost 19 days without pornography, and in some ways I feel great, but on the other side I feel discouraged. I am very alone and have been that way for several years so I have given up hope of finding a wife, which makes pornography attractive as a quick fix to normal sexual desires that can't ever be met. I must remember that it is still poison and I am destroying myself little by little if I go back to it. I still know the pain it has caused me so I do not want to return to that place.

I must look forward to the possibility that I will eventually find someone, and if I do not take a stand now to become the man I need to be I may lose her, or at the very least, hurt her because I am not where I need to be. If I ended up alone because I couldn't endure a little suffering now, I don't know if I could take it. I fear I have already ruined my life as it is and am suffering the consequences. There are so many years I have lost to this addiction that could have been much different and I do not want to think how much better they could have been, but I must face the possibility and learn from it while I still have a chance of saving the future for something wonderful.

Lamentations 3:25
The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.

one week

I have made it one week without pornography. That doesn't seem like much, but looking back, it is probably the longest I have been without it in a few years. It's a sad, but true reality for me to have been so dependent on this "drug" for so long that one week is a great achievement.

Turning to pornography has been my source of solace for more years than I want to count.  Whenever I am stressed I turn to it, and I was under a great deal of stress this last week, so the coming weeks should seem easy to get through by comparison. I must also remember that victory is made from small steps that lead success and to not give up when I stumble again in the future.  Too many times have I went on binges that never seem to end after taking several steps towards success.


Psalm 37:23-24
If you are right with God, He strengthens you for the journey; the Eternal will be pleased with your life.
And even though you trip up, you will not fall on your face because He holds you by the hand.

like a sickness

This sickness rages on inside without a sign of subsiding. I take great strides towards freedom and my hate for this evil grows stronger day by day, yet all the stronger evil becomes so I will be kept in its grasp. The turmoil is stronger than ever within me, but despite the pain it causes, it is  giving me hope. I have not faced real battle against pornography in a long time and truly faced the damage it has caused to me.

I've known about how the brain can be rewired https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-changes-the-brain, but have never felt it so strongly. It is as if my brain is turning into sludge and I can no longer think quickly and clearly, and my attention span is near zero. It is only with great effort do I succeed in focusing on what I used to enjoy, or getting anything done I need to.

Calling pornography a sickness like I mentioned earlier has more truth to it than I would like to believe. I truly do feel sick and helpless against it overcoming me.

Like a sickness, it causes damage that must be repaired.
Like a sickness, there is no simple fix.
Like a sickness, it takes time to heal.
Like a sickness, I may be overwhelmed.
Like a sickness, I may not be able to heal myself.


Psalm 119:37
Keep my eyes from gazing upon worthless things,
and give me true life according to Your plans.

not sure where I am anymore

My pornography addiction has continued to worsen, in fact it has grown worse than it has ever been before.
In the depths of the darkness though, there is a glimmer of hope.
I deleted 1.5TB of the vile material along with the backup and can say I did not regret it, even with how much money I had squandered to obtain it.
I hope this is a real sign of starting to recover from the long fall I have been on and that I will continue to improve, but I have seen glimmers of hope before, only to fall back even further.
I can say for sure that I do not want to go on with it.
The burden I have felt from the addiction kept growing in sync with how much I downloaded and I became disgusted at the sight of what I was doing.
I have been doing better at praying and reading the Bible and I'm sure that is what has softened me to the point that I could let go of it so I will continue to strive at doing this daily.

loneliness

I enjoyed a break from my pornography addiction while on vacation with my family for Christmas. It was nice to get away from it for a while, I didn't even have much desire for it while away which is unusual for me, but as soon as I was back, the issue resumed with a ferocity.

I expected this, but what I didn't expect was the sudden bout of loneliness I am experiencing. It is normal for me to be alone and I have become used to it, but I am feeling an emptiness today that aches to the center of my being. I know the loneliness feeds my addiction and pulls me in deeper, but I don't usually feel the loneliness to this extent, although I know it is still there. I have had a difficult time making friends and forming relationships for as long as I can remember, but it is worse now than it has ever been in my life so I just push the feelings deeper and hope for them to eventually change. I really don't know what to do, and any ideas I have I resist because I am afraid to trust anyone again after how many times I have been rejected. I will drink a few shots to dull the pain for the night, and continue on in the morning knowing this will pass. This is not a solution, and not a good time to indulge in alcohol, but for now, I just want a release. I should go read my Bible again instead since I did experience some peace earlier today while I was reading, and I know that real joy and peace can only be found in God, but somehow, I keep rebelling and getting lost in my own desires. 

stuck in a pit

I have been thinking about my life and how lost seems to describe most areas of my life. I do not know if I will ever find my way out from the growing mountain of defeat and uncertainty. My mind only wants to escape by delving into pornography and succumbing to her alluring call that promises relief from my troubles.

I know satisfaction will not be found in her cold and empty embrace that will only leave me wanting more where none can be found. Still, a brief sense of fleeting satisfaction may for a time take away the pain. This lie is what drives all addicts to continue to use and abuse their drug of choice, even to the point where it starts to destroy what little they have left. A brief high is of no more use to a man stuck in a pit, as standing on a fallen leaf.  He may feel that something is at least being accomplished, but in the end, he is still stuck in a pit.  I need to stop caring that digging my way out will be a painful arduous process. If I keep looking for a shortcut, or a way to enjoy my time in the pit I will never get out and there will really be nothing better than where I am now.